Self-esteem can also grow through failure

Successes and failures naturally influence self-esteemThe term self-esteem literally refers to the evaluation of o... More and our perception of ourselves. Scientific studies, however, show that what matters most is our attitude towards them. In failure, in particular, it is important that the sadness of the moment does not turn into unhappiness. Because failing is a necessary part of exploring possibilities and learningIl termine apprendimento - con i sinonimi imparare, assimila... More, at any age. Failing is growing, evolving, improving.

Failure and self-esteem

A study published in the Journal of personality and social psychology in 1995 already highlighted the emotional complexity of failure. In particular, it emerged that people with low self-esteem tend to overgeneralize the negative implications of failure. The sadness and humiliation of failure, in the presence of low self-esteem, quickly turn into unhappiness and negative self-judgment. Another study in 2002 found that people with low self-esteem experience a greater drop in self-efficacyWhen facing the daily challenges we must confront, sometimes... More after a failure. With low self-esteem, therefore, we tend to question our abilities too much.

Infallibility and social media

If failure jeopardizes psychological well-being, in the presence of low self-esteem, the danger increases in front of the distorted mirrors of social media. They often present us with unattainable, always winning models, increasing our fear of imperfection, comparison, and failure, putting self-esteem further at risk. The impact of social media on self-esteem is particularly problematic during adolescence, when identity is still forming and self-confidence is fragile. Some signs of a healthy abandonmentAbandonment is one of the most intense and complex human exp... More of the myth of invincibility are slowly emerging in the media and public opinion. Some singers or athletes step off the stage to take care of their mental healthWhat is meant by mental health? According to the World Healt... More. By doing so without shame and publicly, they contribute by example to fight the stigmaStigma towards mental health can be defined as prejudice and... More of psychological distress.

Failure and learning: the “stretch zone”

Learning necessarily means opening up to the possibility of failure and leaving the comfort zone. There everything is familiar and known, almost unquestioned: one feels completely at ease, with no challenges capable of initiating a learning process. On the other hand, learning is not a reckless dive into the panic zone. Here, the challenge is so far from our current resources that we experience stressWhat is stress? From a clinical perspective, stress is a phy... More and fear that prevent any learning. In the panic zone, all our energy is used to manage fear, risking retreat into the comfort zone and giving up exploration.

To truly and effectively learn, it is important to move in the stretch zone, the “stretching zone,” which lies between the previous two. Here things may seem somewhat unfamiliar and awkward. However, this is precisely the space where untapped possibilities and resources can be leveraged. Here personal development, boundary exploration, experimentation, and the natural and positive alternation of successes and failures are possible. Over time and with practice, the stretch zone gives ground to the comfort zone, which expands as we acquire familiarity and new skills. And our self-esteem and self-efficacy consolidate positively.

The child’s failure

The etymology of the word “failure” is the same as the English to fall. A master of falling is the child learning to walk. Crawling, stumbling, falling, and getting up, crying and laughing, they experience balance and succeed in standing upright. From children, we can learn to fall while keeping our “emotional bones” of flexibility and resilienceWhat is meant by resilience? According to the American Psych... More soft and elastic. However, even the child can experience a wave of frustration when unable to do something.

In childhood, frustration is easily triggered because children tend to experience every desire as a need to be immediately satisfied. Failure-induced frustration may manifest as anger, sometimes directed at objects. A child may throw a pencil to the ground when unable to draw. The defeat seems unbearable at the moment, making it tempting to give up along with the pencil. Through their actions, the child expresses that they think they cannot do it and, consequently, do not want to try anymore.

To understand the child, it is essential to recognize that these are emotions and attitudes we adults can also experience. To protect ourselves from failure, we sometimes feel tempted to give up on a dream. Faced with the pencil on the ground, the right approach is not a harsh reprimand. Instead, the adult is called to be present, welcoming, listening, decoding the child’s gesture, understanding its meaning and underlying need. The pencil can then be retrieved in the child’s and adult’s hand, drawing together in the stretch zone. There one learns the dimension of good time that ripens skills and abilities. Tears of frustration are dried, and trust and self-esteem are built, discovering or hoping that “yes, I can still do it.”

Self-esteem, limits and freedom

It is necessary to acknowledge the power of failure at all ages, remembering the importance and right to lose, be defeated, and fail. Failure is not meant to dwell in frustration. Rather, it offers a precious opportunity to increase our awareness and skills. Failure clearly shows us our current limits and boundaries. However, thoughtful failure provides insights on how to overcome them if useful and necessary. At the same time, failure can highlight the boundaries that are good, right, or healthy not to cross. Freedom is not being able to do everything without limits, thinking oneself completely independent. French philosopher Gustave Thibon noted that freedom requires accepting dependence and interdependence, since we are naturally connected to other living beings and the planet. He asserted: “The problem of freedom is not posed in terms of independence, but in terms of love.”

Freedom is learning to love and value nature, including those limits that protect life, balance, and sustainability. These are the boundaries that preserve the health of the body, psyche, society, and planet. When failure touches one of these limits, it can even be sacred and salvific. Sometimes, for example, we fail due to fatigue or extreme multitasking. In this case, failure reminds us to honor the natural limits of body and mind: the healthy boundaries of our natural needs in terms of nutritionLife does not take breaks: in every living being, bodily fun... More, rest, and social life.

Thoughtful and understood failure: the role of emotional intelligenceThe first definition of Emotional Intelligence as such was p... More

An unthought and misunderstood failure does not allow learning. It may lead us to try to open the door with the same wrong key repeatedly. In the frustration of going in circles, self-criticism, guilt, and inefficacy can undermine our self-esteem. By staying open and attentive to emotions and thoughts, we can instead “wake up with failure,” rediscovering errors and limits and improving our awareness. To learn to manage frustration and failures, it is therefore essential to develop emotional intelligence and the ability to listen to and decode emotions.

Failure is a message that needs to be thought through, metabolized, and understood. This implies time for reflection and self-care, tending to our emotional wounds. Becoming aware of skills and consciousness developed even through failure allows us to value ourselves more. Thus, failure, error, breakage, and pain will have had meaning, an evolutionary direction. And perhaps, we can even glimpse its beauty and poetry, like a bowl broken and repaired with the gold of the Japanese kintsugi technique.

Building self-esteem, even while failing

We are called to welcome failure as an integral part of the human experience. Accepting our fallibility makes achievements possible, because only by accepting failure can we try again, in a different way or place, until success. It may not be exactly as or where we imagined, but it will still be a success, that is, an evolution. We can say that failure is the space and time that allows evolution to mature and innovation to be born. To learn to make failure an ally of happinessHappiness represents an emotional state characterized by pos... More, we can first strengthen our basic self-esteem to face challenges and obstacles more effectively. Fondazione Patrizio Paoletti provides a free Edukit for daily self-esteem training. Cultivating it means rediscovering our value as people beyond task skills and the natural alternation of successes and failures. We can also remember that:

1. Facing the possibility of failure means confronting the fear of falling. Discovering our courage in simply trying strengthens our self-esteem.
2. Loving our limits while experiencing failure teaches us to value our vulnerability, practicing self-compassion. Embracing our vulnerability does not make us weaker, but stronger and more resilient, increasing our self-esteem.
3. Failure allows us to acquire new skills through trial and error, training our abilities. Failure is a gym, a school, an incubator of innovation, a laboratory that can make us better.
4. Great revolutionary ideas often start from a problem to solve. The solution comes from leaving the comfort zone and often after a series of failures. In the heart of the challenge, we are called to cultivate hope and curiosity: around the corner of failure, a success may await that we cannot even imagine. Trusting ourselves and believing we can find a solution, even during failure, means betting on ourselves and nurturing our self-esteem.
5. Sharing constructive failure stories, to tell and listen to, fosters growth and guides toward success. Sharing is education, resource, and collective strength. It encourages us to get up and try again or in a new way. Moreover, it reduces the stigma and shame of failure, normalizing it as a simple and essential phase of growth, evolution, and life. Sharing it, perhaps with a smile, brings us back to that dimension of lightness, not superficial but deep and true, which favors exploration for both adults and children.

When failure is fertile, self-esteem can sprout, like the lotus flower rises from mud and sludge. If we look closely, failure is a tool for the next success. It helps us aim higher with the bow of dreams, dream stronger, dream better, and remember to rest to dream again.