Violence: When Mothers and Children Are the Victims

Violence is violence, without distinctions. Whether physical, psychological, or both, it leaves deep marks on those who suffer it. But when children are involved, the scenario becomes even more complicated. The emotional and psychological impact on them can be devastating: living in an environment of fear and oppression not only marks the present but can also influence their future, the way they build relationships, and how they face life.

Violence data in Italy

[/glossary-ignore] Violence against women has the characteristics of a true pandemic: according to Istat data, in Italy, 31.5% of women, nearly one in three, have suffered some form of physical or sexual violence in their lifetime. The most severe forms of violence are carried out by partners, ex-partners, relatives, or friends, while 62.7% of rapes are committed by partners.

Violence severely impacts the health of women and future generations. Social genomics shows that epigenetic mechanisms transmit pain and trauma to the future, turning social risk into biological risk, with profound effects on physiology and the immune system, endangering overall health.

Protecting minors

Family violence, therefore, is never an individual drama: its consequences spread, making the protection of minors a priority that cannot be ignored. Behind closed doors, away from the world’s eyes, women fight a daily silent battle. Mothers who, besides protecting their children, must find the strength to rise again after violence, after pain, after fear. Their often-ignored stories speak of courage, rebirth, and the difficult achievement of a free life.

Nadia Somma Caiati, an activist in anti-violence centers since 1991 and trainer (currently working at the anti-violence center “Demetra donne in aiuto”), knows the drama of violence against women well. For over 30 years, she has dedicated herself with passion and expertise to protecting and supporting those who have suffered abuse. Somma, with discretion and sensitivity, has become the confidante of humiliations and fears, offering listening and hope to those seeking a way out.

Does having children make it even harder for victims to leave abusive situations?

The paths of women with children are definitely more complex and difficult than those without. On one hand, mothers have often lost their jobs when pregnancy began, left work to care for their children, or been forced by the partner to leave work due to lack of support in childcare.

The lack of childcare services, factory work shifts, employers’ reluctance to grant permits for family care or breastfeeding, precarious work—essentially a constellation of negative factors—often forces mothers to resign or be dismissed. Additionally, perpetrators of violence use strategies to isolate partners from friends and family and deplete financial resources. They may coerce women into debt or make them sign guarantees, sometimes using threats and violence. But that’s not the only problem.

Institutional victimization also occurs in custody proceedings. Only after the Cartabia reform have judges been urged to consider family violence; before, it was often confused with conflict. As a result, shared custody was often granted, exposing women and children to continued abuse. Since the reform, things have slightly improved.

There is also victimization through accusations of being “obstructive mothers,” meaning they hinder relationships with violent fathers. Witnessing violence is often ignored. Currently, Parliament is discussing DDL 832 on family law, which risks penalizing women and endangering victims of violence.

Which stories have struck you the most over the years?

Many women remain in my memory, Italian and foreign, from countries thousands of kilometers away, sharing the same discrimination and violence. I recall a woman who escaped with her two children in the middle of the night, realizing her situation with her husband was worsening. She had arrived in Italy through family reunification, was very young, didn’t speak Italian, and soon became pregnant. Despite her husband forbidding her to go out, she attended Italian classes, found work and maintained it, got a house, and waited for her children to grow. She applied for and received public housing, and eventually left the relationship—a true story of resistance.

Of course, this does not mean women must face a crucifixion: violence can be stopped immediately if signals are recognized and support is sought at an anti-violence center. I tell this story to show that women in violent situations are not necessarily fragile, dependent, or cowardly as often misrepresented by the media or poorly informed psychologists.

I recall a very young woman who came to the anti-violence center with four children. She had been forced into marriage at 13 in exchange for money. For ten years, she suffered all types of abuse. One day, after severe violence, she escaped with her children in what she was wearing—when I opened the door, she was in slippers. She rebuilt her life and, after two years, was working, autonomous, and raising her children peacefully.

I recall older women who were abused by children with psychiatric disorders or by husbands who had been violent their entire lives, an aspect often ignored by the media, which tends to sexualize violence and focus only on young women. Many elderly women are forced to care for children or husbands with disorders or controlling behaviors. One 70-year-old woman, after gaining freedom from her husband, beautified the refuge house—sewing curtains, reupholstering furniture, restoring her life.

I remember professional women—lawyers, doctors, entrepreneurs—who, despite resources, were at risk. They managed to emerge. Now, when I meet them, I often don’t recognize them for how much they have changed. A single look or smile can say: “I’m fine now.”

What are the biggest obstacles these women face in seeking help?

Women who have suffered long-term abuse often experience post-traumatic stressWhat is stress? From a clinical perspective, stress is a phy... More disorder, intrusive thoughts, depressionDepression is a disorder characterized by persistent sadness... More, anxietyAnxiety is an emotional response characterized by feelings o... More, flashbacks, sleep disturbances, irritability, and reduced trust in themselves and others. Manipulation often leads them to feel guilty for the violence they endure. Many are unaware of being in a relationship with a violent person. The call for help often comes when children show signs of suffering or become direct targets of violence, triggering awareness and the need to leave.

Other times, despair due to lack of resources or family support discourages seeking help. Fear of being killed is real, especially considering femicide statistics. Institutional victimization may occur when authorities dismiss complaints. Risk is often underestimated because abusers alternate violence with calm, lowering perception of danger. It is hard to imagine that someone you lived with, shared meals and children with, could try to kill you.

How does violence affect these mothers and their children? What marks does it leave over time?

Intergenerational transmission of violence is a problem. Unprocessed childhood trauma exposes children to risk of suffering or perpetrating abuse as adults, substance abuse, deviant behavior. Children witnessing violence, even if not directly harmed, suffer trauma: anxiety, fear, poor concentrationWhat concentration really is and why it’s so hard to maint..., insecurity, anger, aggression, and physical regression. Schools and social services must detect and intervene to protect children and support mothers. Mothers themselves are held hostage by violence.

Family violence is visible but must be viewed with the right perspective. Cases exist where children have killed a violent parent to protect their mother—tragic events bearing collective responsibility.

Are there stories of women who found the strength to rebuild their lives? How did they do it?

Almost all women entering a center emerge. Time needed varies depending on internal and external resources, economic conditions, and family support. Support includes counseling, legal advice, accompaniment during reporting and court processes. Operators may testify to give strength and validate experiences.

Centers provide empowerment programs, job reintegration, help finding housing, and childcare solutions. Leaving violence is possible. Centers have emphasized this for years; in 1996, the first national conference against violence against women titled it as such. It’s not just hope—it’s a political project.

​​Check the 1522 mapping of anti-violence centers in Italy

How important is it to have someone who listens and helps these women? What makes a difference in escaping violence?

No one escapes alone. Heroism is not required. The first step is non-judgmental listening, without blame, without replacement. Seeking help from anti-violence centers in safety is key. Centers guarantee confidentiality and don’t require reporting until the woman is ready. Stop telling women “report it” without support. Reporting alone is insufficient; it is part of the exit path.

What could be done, institutionally and culturally, to improve protection and support for victims?

Ensure centers are qualified to provide proper responses; recent changes risk allowing any association to improvise as a center, which endangers women. Experience and methodology respecting women’s self-determination is essential. Nine European Court of Human Rights rulings confirm institutional inertia and hostility is a problem. Violence is fought not only with penal laws but with cultural change in schools, gender policies, and combating inequality—ground where violence takes root.