How to learn to manage conflicts?

Conflicts are an integral and natural part of our lives and play a fundamental role in the evolution of ideas, choices, and human history itself. From small domestic disagreements to workplace disputes, it is essential to learn to manage them constructively, transforming stressWhat is stress? From a clinical perspective, stress is a phy... More into opportunities for shared growth. Starting from understanding our brain and the biopsychosocial mechanisms underlying conflict, we explore how to navigate these delicate moments most effectively, through 8 strategies to practice for improving well-being, relationships, and everyday life.

How does the “alarm system” in our brain work?

When we perceive a threat or disagreement, our brain immediately activates what neuroscientists call the “alarm system”. The amygdala"The amygdala is a gray matter structure named after its cha... More, a small almond-shaped structure located in the limbic systemThe limbic system is a key region of the brain, responsible ... More, activates and releases stress hormones such as cortisolThe adrenal glands, small pyramid-shaped glands above the ki... More and adrenalineAdrenaline, also called epinephrine, is a hormone and a neur... More.

This reaction is evolutionarily useful for survival because it prepares us for potential attack or defense. However, in our contemporary daily life, this archaic mechanism can compromise our ability to think clearly and act effectively and constructively. During these moments, the prefrontal cortexThe prefrontal cortex plays a fundamental role in numerous p... More, the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking and impulse control, is less active. This is why, during arguments, we often say things we later regret or act more irrationally.

From an evolutionary perspective, the ability to engage in conflict developed as a survival mechanism to protect vital resources and establish social hierarchies. At the same time, however, the ability to resolve conflicts cooperatively was also crucial for the success of our species as social animals. We can even say that effective conflict management has been a keystone of human evolutionary development, investing deeply in positive relationships and the creation of strong communities.

Understanding both the mechanism of our “alarm system” and the benefits of a constructive approach to conflicts allows us to develop strategies to manage them, learningIl termine apprendimento - con i sinonimi imparare, assimila... More to recognize emotions, regulate reactions, and direct behavior toward our best goals.

Why do conflicts arise?

From a psychological perspective, conflicts often arise from unmet needs or different perceptions of reality. Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication theory teaches us that behind every conflict there are four fundamental elements:

1. Observation: the concrete facts of what happened
2. Feelings: the emotions we experience in relation to the facts
3. Needs: the values or desires underlying feelings, thoughts, and emotions
4. Requests: concrete actions to meet the needs

When we can identify and communicate these elements effectively, we transform conflict from a clash into a constructive and generative exchange.

The benefits of effective conflict management

Learning to manage conflicts constructively brings numerous benefits for psychophysical well-being and overall health:

• Reduces stress: fewer unresolved conflicts translate into lower cortisol levels
• Improves relationships: more effective communication strengthens, consolidates, and deepens bonds, contributing to healthy social connections
• Promotes personal growth: every resolved conflict increases self-esteemThe term self-esteem literally refers to the evaluation of o... More, self-efficacyWhen facing the daily challenges we must confront, sometimes... More, and emotional competence
• Supports well-being: effective conflict management helps reduce stress and stimulates the release of hormones, neurotransmitters, and chemicals associated with reconciliation, mutual understanding, and a sense of well-being, such as oxytocinOxytocin is a hormone produced in the brain, specifically in... More, serotoninSerotonin, also known as 5-hydroxytryptamine (5-HT), is a ne... More, and endorphinsEndorphins are a group of endogenous peptides, meaning they ... More.

A pedagogical approach: learning from conflict

Contemporary pedagogyTo understand what pedagogy is, let’s provide a definition... More teaches us that conflict can be a powerful tool for learning and growth. Instead of avoiding or repressing it, we can use it to:

• Develop empathyEmpathy is a fundamental skill that allows us to connect wit... More: by trying to understand the other person’s point of view
• Improve communication skills: by learning to express our needs clearly
• Strengthen relationships: by overcoming difficulties together
• Grow emotionally: by developing greater self-awarenessIl termine autoconsapevolezza si riferisce primariamente all... More

Conflict thus becomes an opportunity for personal and relational growth, provided it is approached with the right tools. Let’s explore some strategies and exercises that can help us navigate conflicts effectively for shared well-being.

8 practical strategies for effective conflict management

1. The “Pause and Breathe” tactic

When we feel tension rising:

• Take three slow, deep breaths
• Count mentally to ten
• Remember that we have control over our reactions

This simple technique allows the prefrontal cortex to reactivate optimally, restoring our ability to think clearly.

2. Active listening

During a discussion:

• Focus on what the other person is saying without preparing your response while they are speaking
• Communicate your reflections on what you heard, saying things like: “If I understand correctly, you are saying that…”
• Ask clarifying questions: “Can you explain this point further?”

3. “I” instead of “You”

Instead of directly accusing the other person’s behavior, focus on how we feel in relation to that specific behavior and situation. Instead of saying “You don’t listen to me”, we could say: “Right now I feel frustrated because I need to be heard.”

This approach helps reduce tension and defensiveness, paving the way for understanding and dialogueDialogue: When Words Become Relationship Dialogue is one of ... More.

4. Contingent opinions, not absolute truths

During a discussion, try not to assert absolute and eternal truths that might only reflect a temporary distortion of reality. For example, avoid saying “You never do” something or “You always do this”. Instead, communicate a view relative to the specific moment, such as: “Right now it seems to me that…”.

5. The “Sandwich” technique

Before addressing differences, try to identify and communicate shared goals with statements like:

• “We both want this situation resolved”
• “We both care deeply about our family’s well-being”
• “We all want a calm and positive work environment”

The idea is to adopt the so-called sandwich technique: a negative point is “sandwiched” between two positive ones. Essentially, start and end a conversation with something positive, which helps connectionConnection: the human need that precedes all technology Conn... More, sharing, and relaxation, while giving the “uncomfortable” content a chance to be shared constructively.

6. The “Emotional Mirror” technique

When we see someone is angry, we can try to:

• Recognize their emotions, e.g.: “I understand that you are feeling disappointed right now”
• Show understanding: “I see that this situation is very important to you”
• Do not rush to solve the problem immediately: first acknowledge and accept the circulating emotions, giving space, time, and attention to the relationship.

7. Constructive time-out

Do not hesitate to take a break when the discussion gets too heated. Propose a moment to step back, calm down, and avoid fueling anger, or agree to resume the conversation later. For example, fatigueFatigue is a common experience that can manifest in many for... More often hinders conflict resolution. Sometimes it is better to postpone the “second round” to another hour or day, allowing time to refresh ideas, rest, and practice mindfulness, intentional silence, or meditationThere are many ways to define meditation, but perhaps the si... More techniques, even in motion like Quadrato Motor Training, to restore energy and return to the interaction more centered.

8. Positive prefiguration

When we know we will face a difficult conversation, we can prepare constructively through prefiguration:

• Close our eyes and imagine the discussion proceeding constructively
• Visualize ourselves staying calm, balanced, and centered
• Imagine the other person responding positively to our approach

If useful, learn to ask for help

While everyone can strive to manage conflicts well, sometimes it is necessary or appropriate to involve a professional, especially when:

• Conflicts become recurring and unconstructive
• Behaviors become aggressive or violent. In this case, it is absolutely necessary to ensure safety and seek help.
• Stress significantly compromises quality of life
• Traumas or deep psychological issues are involved, which may require psychotherapeutic support.

Training for constructive confrontation

Effective conflict management is a skill that can be learned and refined over time. By combining neuroscientific knowledge of our brain’s reactivity, psychological tools for understanding relational dynamics, and a pedagogical approach focused on growth and continuous improvement, we can transform moments of tension into opportunities for improvement and renewed well-being.

Every small step toward more conscious and constructive communication contributes to our well-being and that of those around us. Conflict, when managed wisely, can become a bridge to more authentic and satisfying relationships, as well as a seed for personal growth through resilienceWhat is meant by resilience? According to the American Psych... More, self-awareness, and mental flexibility.

The goal is not to eliminate conflicts from our lives but to regulate their impact and navigate them with greater awareness and competence, transforming them from obstacles into opportunities for improvement and authentic connection. Managing conflict constructively is also an art of living, to be learned at any age, by training introspective and interpersonal social intelligence, both crucial for building complete and shared well-being.