Being Parents Today: Interview with Our President, Gianni Bernardi

Educational Priority

Fondazione Patrizio Paoletti’s initiatives are especially dedicated to children, adolescents, and families. As the Foundation’s President, but also as a father, what do you believe is the top educational priority today?

We face several educational priorities today. In this context, I would like to offer my perspective as a father. I believe our role is to support and guide our children in a world that is changing at an extraordinary pace. Guiding them also means helping ourselves become capable of living with and adapting to change. This requires focusing on the development of emotional skills such as adaptability, resilienceAccording to the American Psychological Association, resilie... More, and critical thinkingWhat happens in our mind when we “think critically”? Beh... More, while asking ourselves: What do we truly need, and what can we do without?

I am thinking, for example, about the use of tools such as smartphones and social media among children, adolescents, and adults. Which of these tools are genuinely useful, and which may be harmful because they create dependency and prevent us from living well or achieving fulfillment and well-being?

Perhaps being a parent today is more complex than it used to be, precisely because parents themselves are expected to possess a broader range of skills and competencies than in the past. Educating children and adolescents therefore becomes an opportunity for adults to develop greater self-awarenessThe term self-awareness (sometimes used as a synonym for sel... More as well. It is an opportunity for families and teachers alike.

At Fondazione Patrizio Paoletti, we address four life challenges—from childhood to adolescence, from adulthood to later life. Each of these stages offers an opportunity for growth and, as we say in PedagogyTo understand what pedagogy is, let’s provide a definition... More for the Third Millennium (PTM), an opportunity to learn how to learn.

The Changing Parent–Child Relationship During Adolescence

You are also the father of a teenage daughter. What is the secret to making a smooth and positive transition from being a little girl’s “superhero dad” to being the father of an adolescent?

I don’t think I have a secret. In fact, if anyone reading this does, I would invite them to share it! What I can do is talk about my own experience of a transition that many parents go through: moving from a period of great harmony, when a son or daughter sees their father as a superhero and never questions him, to a stage in which they begin to challenge that image, noticing his limitations and differences. The veil of idealization surrounding the father figure gradually falls away, revealing what is, so to speak, an ordinary human being. As a result, moments of rebellion may arise, along with attitudes that can sometimes become hostile, or at least openly critical. In general, there can be a certain roughness in the relationship that simply was not there before.

In all of this, I believe that, as we often say at the Foundation, it is important for parents to engage in active reflection. We need to accept what adolescence is and recognize the changes taking place. We should try to remember the developmental differences that characterize the adolescent brain, the often turbulent discovery of the emotional world, and the shifts in priorities that occur during this stage of life—such as the growing importance of friendships, social relationships, life outside the home, and appearance. Understanding what is happening helps us accept and accompany the change. It means allowing more space for dialogueDialogue: When Words Become Relationship Dialogue is one of ... More and mutual understanding, and accepting that growth naturally brings differences.

One concept that I continually try to remind myself of and put into practice is that of Mediation, as described in Pedagogy for the Third Millennium (PTM). It means seeking a meeting point—a relational space between two worlds—where the parent’s world makes an effort to move toward the adolescent’s world. The parent’s world should be better equipped to contain and support the adolescent’s. I often emphasize the idea of cohabitation: mutual respect for each other’s needs and personal spaces. My needs and my daughter’s needs must coexist under the same roof.

Sometimes I jokingly say to my daughter, when she leaves things lying around, “Would you be happy if I left my shoes in your room?” The answer is usually no. So we agree that we should all be respectful of both personal and shared spaces. It is a simple joke, but for me—and for us—it carries both a light-hearted and an educational value.

Balancing Protection and Autonomy

How do you manage the balance between the desire to protect your children and the need to give them increasing autonomy?

That’s a great question. I try to put into practice at least the first two pillars of Pedagogy for the Third Millennium (PTM): Observation and Mediation. Observation means paying close attention to what is changing, to the needs children express, and to their ongoing development. It means trying not to relate to them based on a fixed memoryMemory is a fundamental cognitive function that consists in ... More of who they were.

I remember reaching a point when I realized something that felt quite revealing. Sometimes I would simply say, “Don’t do that,” because I felt a particular behavior was no longer appropriate. Later, I changed my approach and tried to communicate that a certain behavior might have been acceptable—or at least tolerable—a few years earlier, but perhaps no longer was. I often make this joke: “When you were one, two, three, or four years old, eating with your hands was perfectly fine. But when you’re ten or twelve, you don’t necessarily need to eat with your hands anymore in order to explore the world of food.”

This light-hearted example is my way of saying to them: I understand that you have needs and that you want your own space for autonomy. That is why we should always try—through the principle of Mediation in Pedagogy for the Third Millennium—to find common ground and share it. Through this example, I also want to encourage my children to explain their requests and tell me why something matters to them. Because if you explain why something is important to you, I can understand it better. And when I understand it better, I can stand closer to you. I can be more empathetic and less influenced by assumptions or prejudice.

I would also add that I try to remind myself that there are not actually that many truly dangerous situations, and that by cultivating awareness and common sense, children can generally avoid them. I remember the first times my daughter took the bus on her own. We would tell her, “Be careful, everything will be fine, but make sure you stay aware of what’s happening around you.”

Fondazione Patrizio Paoletti’s Content and Educational Resources

Have you ever shared any of the content created by Fondazione Patrizio Paoletti (such as EduKits or articles) with your children? How important do you think it is to provide young people with practical tools to help them navigate the transition into adulthood?

Yes, absolutely. It has happened, and in fact we do it almost on a regular basis. For example, we have shared the EduKit on emotions and adolescence, many articles from the Foundation’s portal, as well as a range of glossary entries and news content related to mental healthAccording to the World Health Organization, mental health ca... More and adolescent distress. My daughter is very interested in these topics. I believe that today’s adolescents generally have a greater awareness of what well-being and mental health are, and of the role they play in personal growth. My daughter often tells me about friends who have faced difficulties, for example related to bullyingAlthough there is no universally agreed-upon definition of b... More or challenges in integrating into certain environments or social situations. These are topics we have discussed and reflected on together many times.

I believe it is truly essential to raise and strengthen awareness and self-awareness around these issues among adolescents, young people, and adults alike. Talking about them helps us better understand a situation, an emotion, or a particular dynamic. Recently, I especially enjoyed and shared at home the “Emotions from Around the World” series. What I find fascinating about it is the way it highlights the naming of emotions—the fact that a particular emotion is recognized within a culture and given specific significance. When you shine a light on something, it inevitably illuminates the situation, allowing you to see both what is working and what is not. And seeing what is not working is valuable because it enables us to take care of it.

In the language of Pedagogy for the Third Millennium (PTM), the process is: Observation, Mediation, Translation, and Normalization. The ability to manage a situation in a more appropriate, constructive, and effective way gradually becomes a new norm. And when something becomes sufficiently normalized, it is no longer perceived as a problem.

The Vocabulary of Adolescents

Today, adolescents use words such as POV, bro, and cringe. How do you navigate your daughter’s vocabulary? Do you think it is important to learn and understand the meaning of these expressions?

I navigate my daughter’s vocabulary by listening to her and learningThe term learning—with the synonyms to learn, assimilate, ... More from her own “dictionary.” I try to discover the meaning of words and expressions that I didn’t know before. Even though I don’t particularly want to be called “bro”—and they know that, so we joke about it—I still like to accept their language because I see it as part of their identity, their journey, and their way of expressing themselves.

I view this as a form of openness. I hope that when young people feel their way of speaking is welcomed at home—not censored or viewed with suspicion, while still being approached through the principle of Mediation in Pedagogy for the Third Millennium—they feel accepted as they go through change. I believe this is very important.

I also have a young son who is only a year and a half old. When he cannot do something, he cries, becomes frustrated, and feels upset. In a sense, some things do not change all that much as we grow older. We simply become bigger. The expression of those emotions may no longer take the form of crying, but there is still an emotional storm behind experiences that are deeply important to our adolescent children.

I think it is important to accept and respect these differences in perception. Doing so helps young people feel welcomed and understood. It allows them to experience a sense of continuity in the parent-child relationship, even as they grow and change.

Problematic Use of Social Media

The World Health Organization reports that 11% of young people are at risk of problematic social media use. As adults and parents, how can we apply good Observation and Mediation—the first two pillars of Patrizio Paoletti’s Pedagogy for the Third Millennium (PTM)—in order to monitor the use of these tools and guide adolescents, while still preserving the autonomy they need to grow?

This is a very hot topic. In our home, we started addressing it when my daughter was about ten years old, because many of her classmates were beginning to get a phone. We managed at first by simply saying, “Too early.” And more or less, we kept that line for a while. Then, when she started middle school, she insisted strongly, saying she would be the only one without one: “Do you really want me to be the only one who doesn’t have it?” From that point, a process of mediation began—a daily tug-of-war over how, what, when, and with whom to use the phone.

At the beginning, we set fairly clear rules, such as enabling parental controls and defining a number of activities that were not allowed. Until she reached high school, for example, we placed limits on social media use, with the effort of helping her understand that what she shares with friends can also enter a much wider world than her immediate circle. For this reason, we encouraged great care regarding what she shares in terms of content, words, and images.

In general, we tried to gradually reduce rigid rules in favor of a more shared and empathetic approach, guided by Observation—asking ourselves: “What is it for?” The message has been: try not to spend endless hours scrolling aimlessly, and instead aim for rules that are shared and accepted by both sides.

Sometimes this leads to conflict, because we notice—or she herself notices—that she has spent too much time online. At that point we try to find ways to adjust, for example by agreeing not to use the phone in the evening after a certain time. Even she recognizes—and says—that she sometimes gets carried away, what we would call a form of dependency. We try to navigate this line like someone walking on a tightrope, working to maintain a shared direction.

I don’t think there are magical solutions. What matters is maintaining presence and communication with one’s children, so that technology remains a tool they use, and not something that ends up using them.

What do we learn from being parents and from our children?

The third pillar of Pedagogy for the Third Millennium describes the importance of “Translation,” meaning the process that allows us to continue “learning how to learn” by transferring knowledge from one area of life to another. What is the most beautiful thing you have learned by becoming a father—perhaps something your children themselves have taught you—that you now apply in other areas of your life?

I certainly learned not to be the center of the stage anymore. This became quite clear to me when my daughter was born, and later reinforced when my other children arrived. Before that moment, I somehow felt as if I were always at the center of my own world. But with children, they became the main actors—the Oscar-worthy protagonists—while I, in a way, became a supporting character, having stepped out of the spotlight. And this was not a bad thing at all.

In fact, in many ways, it was one of the most beautiful experiences of empathyEmpathy is a fundamental skill that allows us to connect wit... More I have ever had, and also of emotional balance and anxietyAnxiety is an emotional response characterized by feelings o... More management, because I was no longer the center of everything. It gave me a greater ability to take joy in the successes of others.

When my children learned to walk, spoke their first words, started school, grew up, received good grades, or were satisfied with something they had achieved—big or small—those were all moments of deep happinessHappiness represents an emotional state characterized by pos... More for me. And over time, it became easier for me to genuinely celebrate and feel joy for the successes of others as well: friends, colleagues, and people I knew.

In this sense, I was able to “translate” that sense of empathy and shared joy beyond the family context into other areas of my life.

What are the values we want to transmit as a foundation?

The fourth pillar of Pedagogy for the Third Millennium teaches us “Normalization,” meaning the consolidation of skills that allows for a progressive widening of our horizons of growth. What is the most important value you are teaching your children, which is taking root in their behavior, becoming “normalized,” and thus forming a foundation for new evolutions and developments?

Giving Meaning to Existence.  The most important value is giving meaning to existence. In our home, we often talk about matters of meaning—for example, whether a choice is meaningful or not. Not “meaningful” according to common external standards, but meaningful for ourselves.

In this way, we try to define values that can be universal, such as happiness, respect, empathy, personal and collective well-being, personal fulfillment, and awareness of one’s aspirations.

We then try to bring these reflections into their communities, into their classrooms, and among their friends, with a sense of lightness. I believe this set of values is what I consider truly important—and it is also what I personally hold as my own. I try to keep them as a guide, as a lighthouse.

A Message to Ourselves

If you could send a message back in time to yourself, just after becoming a father, what would you say?

This is a difficult question. When I became a father, I can’t really say what I was thinking, or whether I was thinking much about the future at all. It felt like something very big, and I’m not sure I was fully prepared for something so immense. I thought: “We’ll manage, step by step.”

So today I would tell myself: “Go ahead—it is a beautiful experience, certainly very big, with responsibilities but also with immense satisfaction. It is a truly special journey.”

I remember a documentary about whales. In English, the word “grow” is used, similar to how plants grow. Whales raise their young for about twenty years before letting them go, unlike many other species where offspring become independent much sooner.

This idea of accompanying children through their growth is a beautiful experience, one that makes the journey of life profoundly, deeply special.

A Wish for All Parents

What is the most beautiful wish you would like to extend to all parents on this special day?

There are many things I would like to wish, and if I had to choose one or two, I would say: a wish for greater awareness. Awareness of being important, of having a meaningful and fundamental role, and—if I may add, especially now with all my children arriving around me—of carrying it out with serenity, as free as possible from fears and anxieties that can sometimes arise.

I would also go a bit further: when I became a father, I remember becoming more tender toward other children as well, and I began to feel that perhaps one becomes a father for all children in a certain sense.

Even this awareness—that one expands beyond what one initially thought possible—is something beautiful to celebrate today.